Reality

Imagine fearing and avoiding a situation for months, even years, and then suddenly being forced to deal with it head on. You would think it would hurt. Surprisingly, it didn't. To face this reality, I had to dig deep in emotional baggage, and I was afraid that dealing with all that emotion in "public" would break me down. But it didn't. Talking through what I had been contemplating for months, even years, actually made me feel better. It was a release. I was letting go of so many feelings, conflicting emotions, and dominating thoughts, and I could literally feel weight lifting off of me. At the end of the day, everything didn't play out the way I would've dreamed, but I was able to walk away with my dignity and self-respect still intact.

What did hurt me is that when I walked away, I appeared to be ages away from where God had showed me all of this would end. That's what's most frustrating about this entire situation. I know what God's showed me. Even in moments when I've wanted to give up and walk away, it was God's vision that kept me standing, waiting, hoping. But after soooo much time, I'm truly tired. I weary. And even knowing how great the end is going to be, I'm ready to give up and walk away. I know the Bible says Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up (Galatians 6:9), but I'm too tired to keep on. I just don't wanna. The only thing that keeps me from walking away with my head down in defeat is fear.

I'm deadly afraid of walking away from God. As much as I'm tired of staying and going around this damn mountain a kazillion times, I'm more afraid of giving up on God. To walk away would equate to me saying God's not able to do what He promised me. And I know that's not true. I know God's able. I just don't know if I'm able to not faint.

When I first started on this journey, I told God that I would stay on this path as long as He gave me the strength. I'M JUST SO FREAKING TIRED. I HAVEN'T ALWAYS DONE RIGHT, BUT GOD KNOWS I'VE ALWAYS TRIED MY BEST TO PLEASE HIM IN THIS SITUATION. All too often I've walked away from what I wanted at the time in an effort to stay in line with what God had told and showed me. And as hard as I've tried it just feels like He has had my back. Now in my mind and spirit, I know this isn't true. If I had to be honest, I can even see that God has been there for me emotional. But the reality of the situation is I'm tired. I'M JUST TIRED GOD I WANT TO MOVE ON.

I've heard all the crap about enjoying the journey and birthing the baby, but at this point if I could abort this bastard and still have a chance and finding happiness in life, I would do it with a second thought. My fear is if I do abort my gift from God, I will lose every chance I have at happiness and everything would be worthless.

God, I'm tired. Please, Lord, I'm begging you now—laid out on my face, snot flying beggin, PUHLEASEEEEEE don't let this get any more difficult for me and please give me the strengthen to get through this. I don't want to give up on You! I don't want to give up on the vision you gave me and the dream that's in my heart. But I don't want to hurt like this anymore either. God, you have gotta stop my hurt!!! Please, I'm really begging You.