Seriously, God

God, I'm hurting. You know this. But yet, you won't let me leave. I'm really trying to figure out what lesson you're trying to teach me, because I seriously want to learn it and get it over with.

When I think of how long I've been going around this mountain, I get seriously ill. I'll be the first to admit to mistakes being made, but at the end of the day God, You knew my heart. My heart has never been rebellious or defiant of what You were saying to me. The mistakes that I've made have always been because the emotional turmoil was just too much for me to handle at the time.

I know this has to be you because God I'm intelligent and secure. I wouldn't get myself caught in a mess like this and then just stay. In fact, everything in me wants to leave. Nothing makes him worth all this. He's just not that great. If I had my say I would walk away and never look back, but I honestly feel like you are keeping me here.

That leads me to the question of why? Why do you love him more than you love me? I know that's not true, but God that's what if feels like. Why would you answer his prayers and not mine? Why does it feel like I'm giving my life, and he's sitting back smiling and receiving it all?

I heard the lady speak yesterday. And I knew she was speaking directly to me. I heard her say are you willing to be radical and do something different from those around you for God. You know that answer is yes. I'm still here. I'm still standing. And I'm still believing. But Lord, how long? How much hurt? And how will I ever recover?

I'm trying to be strong. I'm trying to stand tall. And I still believe what you said to me. My prayer has always been, as long as you give me the strength, I keep standing, keep believing, and keep moving. So, God, my prayer is that you strength me and heal this empty, open, dying place in the midst of my soul.

I love you, God. And I trust you in this place.