Relationships

CALM DOWN!!! I'm not about to give you any advice à la
Steve Harvey. But I have been spending a lot of time contemplating friendships and family relationships. We spend so much time trying to cultivate (read as manipulate) boyfriend/girlfriend or husband/wife relationships, that we often forget to invest in the relationships we have with others in our lives (i.e. friends, family, and God).

I was junior varsity (JV) cheerleading coach at my school this year (it will take an act of God to get me to do it again, but that's neither here nor thereJ). The year started out great! The JV and Varsity squads were practicing together, and they often had family circles where they would talk, cry, and declare their love and sisterhood for each other. Sisterhood is a strong word, and I was actually impressed with these girls committing so much to each other. But as you can guess, that soon came to an end. Before long they were arguing about who was riding with who to get foods before ball games, why JV was cheering with Varsity at games, and which squad was the best. Everyone in the school was talking about these chicks and their fights! Their dreams of sisterhood had been flushed down the toilet, but why?

It became apparent to me that these girls wanted something, but they were not willing to work for it…AT ALL!!! All relationships require some sort of work and sacrifice. They wanted to be "sisters" but they didn't want to sacrifice, give to, or support their "sisters". Sisters sacrifice a little gas to make sure their sister has a meal before they have to cheer a 4 hour game. Sisters give from their overflow to ensure their sister is taken care of. Sisters support their sisters when they are going through tough times because they want to see them be great. They don't rejoice in their downfall.

At the end of the day, relationships are a two-way street. You have to give just as much (honestly more) than you expect to receive. If you are not going to give a quality relationship and/or friendship, then why would you expect to receive that from someone else.

That thought alone got me thinking about my family relationships, and when I thought of the ones that were the most difficult, it was clearly because people expected things from me that they weren't willing to give to me. You want me to respect your decisions as an adult, but you don't respect mine. In fact, you find every way possible demean and disrespect the adult decisions that I make. You want me to respect you as a mother, but you don't respect me as one, nor do you respect MY relationship with MY child. You want me to support you, but you constantly find joy in my downfalls and belittle what's important to me. You want me to be your friend; however, you don't give me ANY of the qualities I value in a friendship.

I love my family! I don't want you to doubt that at all! But being a part of my life by blood does not give you the right to be an active and intrigue part of my life. There are qualifications that I require: those being respect, support, and loyalty. If you can't give me that, then I don't need you in my life—blood or not.

The third relationship I was forced to examine was my relationship with God. I remember when I used to feel like God was ALWAYS with me. If I made the wrong move, I could feel Him tugging me back. When I was confused, I could hear His voice guiding me. And when I was lonely, He was there to comfort me. There was not a moment when I did not feel God.

However, recently, I haven't been feeling God like I used to. Now, I'm mature enough to know that God is ALWAYS with me rather I feel Him or not, but I missed feeling God with me 24-7. Missing my companionship with Him forced me to examine our relationship. Once I did, I noticed that God's side of the street was the same. He was still the same, unchanging God He had always been to me. However, my side of the street had changed. I was no longer meeting God first thing in the morning for our daily devotional time (I was tweeting instead L). My busy schedule had interrupted my church attendance. And family prayer time was sparse at best. I was basically expecting God to do what He always did while I was severely slacking on my end of the relationship. I was the one who interrupted my communion with God, and I was the one responsible for fixing it.

Seeing how my shortfalls in my relationship with God caused our relationship to change dramatically forced me to re-evaluate my relationship with friends, family, and students. What had I done to contribute to the "bad" relationships in my life? What had I NOT done that complicated those relationships? Had I always given what I expected to receive?

In many cases there had been years and years of hurt. So much that I really could've cared less about rectifying the relationship. In my mind, it was what it was. And I was satisfied with writing off the relationship(s) as one that would not be fruitful in my life. But after prayer and meditation, God guided me to try again. Give what I would like to be given and see what happens with the relationship. Worst case scenario, it stays the same. Oh well, I've done my part, so I can move on with a clear conscience. But with God involved I know it will get better. I just pray with every being in my soul that I can rid myself of my pride enough to allow what God has planned to developed. But because I'm God's girl, I know He has everything under His control.

Lessons Learned: Give what you expect to get, discard unhealthy relationships, and don't be afraid to let go of your pride and try again.

In the Now

So, three days ago I celebrated my 28^th birthday!!! I have officially drifted from my mid-20s into the late-20s. Hitting this junction in my life caused me to reminisce on the first time I really begin to plan out my life. It was spring 2004 (I was 22), and I was approaching college graduation.

 

As I began to prepare myself to enter the "real world", it was the first time I truly began to ponder what I truly wanted out of life. It was also at that point that I realized how far I was from the dreams I had dreamt for my life. Everything—the husband, the kids, and the dream job all seemed so far away that I literally spun into such a deep depression that I couldn't see my way out. On numerous occasions I honestly thought death would be easier than me climbing out of the deep, dark hole I was residing in.

 

After re-evaluating EVERYTHING I was doing in my life, re-vamping my relationship with God, and re-connecting with a body of believers (shout out New Birth Fam!), I was able to climb from the hole and find joy in life and living again (around 24)! In the midst of my new found joy of life, I also developed a plan. A plan I was sure God had divinely imparted to me and would quickly bless and prosper.

 

So for the next couple of years, I threw my all into this plan. Worked my assets off trying to make the vision I'd created, the one I felt was divinely imparted, come to pass. I was going to church 2 to 3 times a week, loving and giving the man I was supposed to marry my all, and working like a slave from my home-based business. And before I knew it (circa 26), I was lucky to make it to Sunday's 10:30am service on time, my future husband, yeah, he was engaged to someone else, and I was in debt up to my eyeballs due to my people refusing to pay me for my services. So here I was, broke with a broken heart and broken dreams to match. I could've spiraled right back into the black hole I'd called home 4 years earlier, but I didn't.

 

Over the past 4 years, I had really searched and figured out who God was and what He'd promised me. So even when it appeared that God was forsaking me, I knew enough about my God to know, He would never do that. I trusted Him when I couldn't trace Him and pressed. Eventually (26-27), I found myself teaching high school English and developing myself into the woman I'd always wanted to be.

 

So here I stand, 28 & 3 days old. My life is far from where I imagined it would be back at 22! I have no husband and no potential mate and only one of the 5 kids a dreamed of having. My Oprah-esque media empire is a lot of hard work from fruition. And I'm not living the "good life" I've been dreaming of since 2000. But I'm know I'm right where God wants me, and I'm loving every minute of my now.

 

I don't have a husband or a potential mate, but I love myself more than ever before. I love the strong, spiritual, determined, and caring woman I have grown into. And I also heart the fabulous, God-fearing diva that is emerging. By the time my husband arrives, he's going to have a true prize in his hands. And that, I take pride in.

 

And while I don't have my 5 biological kids, I do have 1 who is the greatest kid of all time, 9-10 kids who I love, pray for, and protect like they are mine own, around 20 kids who I mentor, and close to 350 students whose lives I have touched in some way, shape, or form. I live and breathe for these kids. They add value to my life.

 

I may not be the media giant I dreamed of becoming, but I am one of the few people I know of who LOVES the job I get up and go to every morning. I take pride in being an educator, and in being freaking good at it! Teaching literature is a means God set up that allows me to change kids' lives (no exaggeration). I love that He trusts me with so much, and I love that I'm effective. I also love that teaching gives me just enough off time to plot my media takeover and surprise the world. Oprah's leaving a void in 2011, and I'm trying to take it. You've been warned. J

 

Finally, I may not be living the "good life" of fabulous parties, lots of money, and fame that Kanye and T-Pain song about. But I am living the Good Life where all of my needs are met, all of my fears are subsided, and all of my burdens are cared for by someone bigger than myself. It's an amazing Life that only He could design (peep Jeremiah 1:15). It's wonderful, and you could have it too. But only if you want it.

 

Through the past 6½ years of struggle and joy, tears and laughter, agony and pleasure, I've learned one amazing lesson: live life in the now! Don't let the regrets of yesterday or the dreams of tomorrow steal the blissful moments you have the ability to enjoy now. Find comfort and happiness in the NOW, while healing from yesterday and planning for tomorrow. God is in the now! You can only enjoy Him in the now! And you can only enjoy now with Him!