(un)Abandon

What do you do when you feel you've been abandoned by the one Person you could trust with everything? What do you do when the One you loved, trusted, and put first seems to forget you exist? That's where I am now. I'm asking God why?

God, why have you left me? Why did you abandon me? You told me you had this situation. You told me I would win. You told me there would be one and then I was up next. I stood through that one, and when I couldn't stand, and sat, and when that got to be too much, and laid in the fetal position and cried. But I never moved.

Why did You lie to me, God? Why did You leave me? Why, when I know You are well able, are You not fixing this situation?

You said if I cried out that you would rescue me. But it seems my cries, screams, and bawls have fallen on deaf ears.

You know how bad I hurt. You know I'm dying on the inside. Yet you sit back and do nothing, but watch me die inside and out.

I trusted you when I could trust no one else. I trusted you when I didn't trust myself. I followed you blindly and look where I ended up. I've loved you, rebuked devils, and walked away, and here I stand—alone, and so far from where You promised me.

The only reason I stood through all the hurts, over all the years is because you said I would win. I showed me a promise, a vision, and I grabbed hold and ran with it. Now, here I am feeling on the inside like I am so close. But that part of me that connects to You is dying.

Emotions

I'm really trying to erase you, but you keep coming into my mind. Why can't our situation be simple, or at least less complicated? One moment I hate you and want you to die. You not existing would make my life easier. But the next I miss you and need you in my world. Confusing, right? Most often, I'm confused. How could something so good, so promising, so open, honest, and genuine appear to go so wrong? Then the fear arises again. What's going to happen next? How will you hurt me this time? For me to be ok, I must hate you, but to …

Reality

Imagine fearing and avoiding a situation for months, even years, and then suddenly being forced to deal with it head on. You would think it would hurt. Surprisingly, it didn't. To face this reality, I had to dig deep in emotional baggage, and I was afraid that dealing with all that emotion in "public" would break me down. But it didn't. Talking through what I had been contemplating for months, even years, actually made me feel better. It was a release. I was letting go of so many feelings, conflicting emotions, and dominating thoughts, and I could literally feel weight lifting off of me. At the end of the day, everything didn't play out the way I would've dreamed, but I was able to walk away with my dignity and self-respect still intact.

What did hurt me is that when I walked away, I appeared to be ages away from where God had showed me all of this would end. That's what's most frustrating about this entire situation. I know what God's showed me. Even in moments when I've wanted to give up and walk away, it was God's vision that kept me standing, waiting, hoping. But after soooo much time, I'm truly tired. I weary. And even knowing how great the end is going to be, I'm ready to give up and walk away. I know the Bible says Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up (Galatians 6:9), but I'm too tired to keep on. I just don't wanna. The only thing that keeps me from walking away with my head down in defeat is fear.

I'm deadly afraid of walking away from God. As much as I'm tired of staying and going around this damn mountain a kazillion times, I'm more afraid of giving up on God. To walk away would equate to me saying God's not able to do what He promised me. And I know that's not true. I know God's able. I just don't know if I'm able to not faint.

When I first started on this journey, I told God that I would stay on this path as long as He gave me the strength. I'M JUST SO FREAKING TIRED. I HAVEN'T ALWAYS DONE RIGHT, BUT GOD KNOWS I'VE ALWAYS TRIED MY BEST TO PLEASE HIM IN THIS SITUATION. All too often I've walked away from what I wanted at the time in an effort to stay in line with what God had told and showed me. And as hard as I've tried it just feels like He has had my back. Now in my mind and spirit, I know this isn't true. If I had to be honest, I can even see that God has been there for me emotional. But the reality of the situation is I'm tired. I'M JUST TIRED GOD I WANT TO MOVE ON.

I've heard all the crap about enjoying the journey and birthing the baby, but at this point if I could abort this bastard and still have a chance and finding happiness in life, I would do it with a second thought. My fear is if I do abort my gift from God, I will lose every chance I have at happiness and everything would be worthless.

God, I'm tired. Please, Lord, I'm begging you now—laid out on my face, snot flying beggin, PUHLEASEEEEEE don't let this get any more difficult for me and please give me the strengthen to get through this. I don't want to give up on You! I don't want to give up on the vision you gave me and the dream that's in my heart. But I don't want to hurt like this anymore either. God, you have gotta stop my hurt!!! Please, I'm really begging You.

Tired

I'm tired. And I'm confused. I really don't know what God is doing or why He's doing this, but I'm still here. I don't want to be here. But I trust God.

Honestly, if God was a man, I would straight cuss Him out and be done with it. But He's not. He's God. And I trust Him with this. I trust Him when I can't see Him. This is a new season. Not the same crap as in the past. Old things have passed away.

I'm going to be ok. God's got me.

 

Muah!!!

We are the Champions and It Speaks Volumes: What Obama’s Victory Means to America

Barack Obama has just made, what I would say is, the most important speech of his life—his Iowa Caucus victory speech. And HE KILLED IT!!!

 

This speech was inspirational and moving, similar to the one he made at the 2004 Democratic National Convention. He laid out why you should elect him the next president. He didn't speak against anyone or anything. He didn't try to convenience you that Democratic was the way to go.

 

According to Obama, he should be elected President of the United States of America because he stands for what is best for ALL Americans—Democrats, Republicans, and Independents…upper, middle, and lower class. Obama is not running on a campaign of fear. He is running a campaign of unification.

 

Barack's victory in Iowa is monumental on numerous front:

 

1. A black (technically bi-racial) man won a majority of votes in a state with an African-American population of 2.3%. This has to have all those black people in South Carolina who said white people wouldn't vote for a black man second guessing themselves.
   

   
    

2. During a time when the average American approaches anything Islamic with much caution, a Christian man named Barack Hussein Obama won a majority of the vote in the heart of America.
   

   
    

3. Obama started his campaign refusing to take money for special interest group, lobbyist, and all those other groups who are presently running and buying Washington. Obama has been able to compete national with money from average old Americans like me—a single, self-employed mom whose give 3 times to his campaign. (I even gave to Obama before I gave to Spelman, my alma mater, but don't tell Spelman that, LOL). If you really want to see this man win, write a check today PLEASE!!!!
   

   
    

4. Character, principle and authenticity matter to the American people. We want a leader we can trust.
   

   
    

5. People are inspired. People have hope. This is our time—the average American's time—to take back our government. A government that was created by the people for the people, but somehow lost that purpose. This is our opportunity. Let's grab hold of it.
   

   
    

I am super excited about this win--not surprised because I knew it was coming. Let's ride this wave all the way to the White House!!! Let's right checks, rally troops, make phone calls, send emails, post on myspace, facebook and youtube, and pray. Pray for wisdom for Obama's campaign staff. Let's pray for favor on Obama's entire campaign. And let's pray that God continues to anoint Obama's tongue so that he says the right thing at the right time in the right way. And who said praying Christians only voted for conservative, right-winged Republicans.

 

God bless and don't forget to BaRack the Vote!!!